So, I got the job at the Sushi place. Its intense, not everyone makes it through training, but the earning potential is pretty fucking sweet, and everyone who works there seems like people I actually want to work with. I feel really good about it. They just put me on my first training shift last night after orientation. I work every day this week besides Monday. I’m going to be exhausted, but man this feels good. For a few different reasons.
Sometimes I think I made a mistake in thinking I could be satisfied being a stay at home Mom. But then my friend made the point that had I had the proper support and partnership I should have had, I wouldn’t have felt so completely isolated and trapped and hopeless. And maybe that’s true.
But maybe its not completely true. Maybe I just have to be a single parent in order to feel truly in control of my life. If I have someone I’m supposed to be able to depend on, and I can not depend on them, I feel completely alone but still responsible for dealing with someone else’s shit and opinions in regards to what I’m doing alone. It’s fucked. It messes with my head. But if I am alone, I know who I can depend on: me. Me and the couple of people who are my Honey Family, who are there for me. But when it comes to the day in, day out stuff, if I’m going to be alone, I’d prefer to actually be alone. Who’s gonna pay that bill? Me. Who’s going to do that chore? Me. Who’s going to make arrangements for the kids? Me. Who has a say in how I manage my shit and what I do? Me. So much simpler this way.
And then if someone wants to hug me, awesome. I love hugs! But I don’t have to beg my husband for one. Because I don’t have a husband to expect to want to touch me. And maybe it is the expectations in relationships that fuck things up, but some of them are insanely difficult not to have. I expect my partner to want to touch me, want to hug and hold me. If I don’t have a partner, I don’t expect anyone to to want to hug me. Is that my problem? Or was it his?
And now he wants to communicate and talk and be helpful and offer to rub my back and make arrangements to suit my schedule and blah, blah, blah. Every fucking thing he didn’t do, didn’t want to bother doing for the last 2-3 years. And I do appreciate it, but I don’t trust it, and I told him so. You want to be helpful? Awesome! But it doesn’t change my mind. Because its only when I’m gone that you see me. I’ve been right here the entire time. You only see me when I’m walking out the door. Sorry, but that’s your problem, not mine.
So I’m going to look at an apartment tomorrow. A 3 bedroom for me and the kids. We went and drove by this morning, it looked pretty decent. They have azaleas and a bunch of trees on the property and a little playground right in the middle.
I have an interview at a Sushi place in about an hour, and I’m sitting outside in the glorious breezy, sunny weather drinking a smoothie.
So much better than last night. Last night was rough, to say the least. Not only was there an uber clusterfuck storm that lit up the sky like daylight with lightening and shook the walls with thunder and hailed the fuck everywhere with tornado watches and backed up the sewers, but husband and I stayed up til after 3am talking and crying and generally feeling like failures. Marriage is hard. Separation and divorce is hard. Who the fuck came up with this shit? Fucking patriarchy.
This is cool